i have only been to new york city a handful of times in my life, but every time i went marked momentous occasions. each trip to the city, however, was remarkably different and my opinion changes every time i return, still.

i was amazed when i saw the city. it was everything butler, a suburb of pittsburgh where i grew up, wasnt. we walked all over the city and each block was something unique and amazing. people were everywhere walking about as if they were the only person that mattered. everyone i saw was a model, or at least looked like one. i felt so inadequate and small. new york was something i was unprepared for, and the theme seemed to be recurring every time i came back.

i remember going into mcdonalds in new york, and being astonished at paying five dollars for a plain hamburger and french fries — and being even more so at the fact that they didnt taste any different in another city. i was a small-town kid, and the city was overwhelming. while there, i even got to see my favorite painting, "the starry night" by vincent van gogh.

i came back to pennsylvania feeling like a new person. i left a naïve school girl, and came home too-big for my surroundings. new york was where i wanted to be. i wanted to be one of those people i saw walking by who acted as if the whole city was just for them. i wanted the fast-paced, exciting life they were already leading. i felt as though i had "seen the light."

i didnt go to see new york again until two years later. i had the opportunity to run in the footlocker high school cross country championships in the bronx [van cortland park] and so i went with my cross country team. i was no champion, and i was

each night was a different part of the city [within manhattan]. times square, chinatown, little italy, soho and the east village. id come to know and love all of them in what little time i had. in times square i bought my first "dyke-rock" album, "captain, my captain" by team dresch. the virgin megastore had everything i couldnt find at home. in chinatown, i saw dead cats hanging in the window. i was both fascinated and creeped out. people really eat cats? i wondered then and i still wonder now. in soho it felt wonderful to be surrounded by all these wonderful artists. somewhere along all of these places i bought fake oakleys, a t-shirt that had different monuments of new york on it and everything in between on the street. that was something ive never done before.

the race was over and i dashed in front of an asthmatic to come in second to last place. after it was over, we headed back to the hotel again, and then home. my fondness for new york city only grew after this experience, and i yearned to go back. and i did go back, a year later. it was a very similar experience.

almost three years past before i graced the big apple again. i went to a music conference i was covering for a newspaper i worked for. this was a thinly veiled excuse for me to visit someone i dated briefly. a week in manhattan, staying in noho.

a week of bland music, publicists, objectification, fighting and depression. a week i fondly refer to as the worst week of my life.

i got to explore the city a lot by myself, but i just hated being there at the time. i wanted to go home, but i felt i couldnt. i felt i would be short-changing myself, and leaving because someone else made me feel uncomfortable. i could have, would have, should have left; but like the fool i am, i didnt. after i came home things were different. despite it all, though, i still had these ideas of how i envisioned new york and all my ideas were pleasant. i wanted to move there, and felt like that was the only thing that mattered.

the next time i visited new york was over about a year later. i went with my current partner to see one of his friends from high school. this time in new york had a completely new feel. there was still a stigma i was feeling from the previous time in the city, but it is something to experience all over again with someone new and not have negative connotations. i stayed in new brunswick, and took the train in. we walked all over greenwich village and then just chilled. it was probably the best experience ive had in the city.

this june i had the opportunity to do a month-long photo assignment in new york city. i have been doing freelance for the past few months, so i was

so i was able to take them up on the offer. i am glad that i did, but a lot of the ill feelings i had encountered in previous visits came back. i knew no one in the city and stayed in three different places. the first week i stayed in park slope, brooklyn. it was a wonderful place, but i felt very awkward. i did not know the artist i was staying with and i arrived a day earlier than he expected and i felt sort of unwelcome there. he was very accommodating, but i still felt like the uninvited guest. the week i was there, he was barely home. he stayed at his girlfriends apartment mostly, since his apartment was for the most part and art studio, and i had a lot of time to think to myself and write. the very first night in the city was the most painful for me. i went to see one of my friends play at a club in the lower east side. the first set was the most depressing music i have ever heard and it just made me feel so many things. being in new york again, feeling like i had no one in the world to call my own and just feeling empty inside. i left after two songs in my friends set. i just couldnt deal with it. then i went back to park slope and cried myself to sleep.

for part of the second week, i stayed in bedford stuyvesant, brooklyn. the rest of the second week, and all of the third week, i stayed in grammercy park. which is right next to the east village. the hotel was great. i could come and go as i please, not worrying about

messing up someone elses schedule and i could throw my clothes as i pleased all over the room. i ended new york on a happy note, but i was glad to leave.

all of these experiences have some common threads. i took almost no pictures of the actual city on any of these occasions. i felt like a smaller person almost each and every time, whether it was a good or bad experience. most of all i think there is a theme of loneliness. at least on the last three times ive gone. i do not regret going there, but my opinion has definitely changed about living there. it is something i dont think i could ever do now. i will however take that as a positive outlook, as i dont think i could afford the rent anyhow.

to see other photographs i did while in new york, go here.